Monthly Archives: December 2007

Calling All Pockets

By | FYI | One Comment

Ever called someone accidentally? Me too, but there is a big difference in pulling the phone from your pocket to dial and having your pocket dial the numbers. The “pocket call” doesn’t happen too often with flip phones, but if your friends own an open-faced phone, like the iPhone that just called me from Tyler’s pocket, you may soon become a victim of the pocket call. If you are the victim of a pocket call, relax, don’t worry…it’s all part of becoming a man, or woman, or both. There are three steps you’ll want to know in the event of an inbound pocket call. 1. Answer your phone 2. Listen to find if the person is sharing any information of value (i.e. dirt, passwords, the location of hidden treasures, etc.) 3. Depending on the situation, you can also have a little fun… Based on your ear investigation, figure out where the pocket is calling from. Once you do, you’ll want…

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Make A Wish

By | Humor | No Comments

The three things I enjoy most about spending time with family in St. Louis this Christmas, (and the associated distance between six-three-six and my life in nine-one-three): 1. A significant decrease in entertainment-related expenditures 2. Seeing family members that I rarely see and spending more time with my little sis 3. Less distractions while I write (due to several things, like being sans a mode of transportation) This afternoon, after being rushed home from shopping on a movie set, I made a sandwich. Before I get into my sandwich, which was delicious, let me explain why we were rushed home from the smallest strip mall I have ever visited. My stepmother recently brought home a miniature version of Chocolat, (a black cat we already own). Little Miss Mandy is below… You’ll notice the pink bell she is wearing courtesy of this afternoon’s phony breakout. We rushed home to find Mandy just hanging out under the hideabed. Mandy has begun following…

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Folded Cookies

By | Items to Ponder | No Comments

It has been at least two months since I have had Chinese food and twice that long since I read the tiny sheet of paper within the always-present fortune cookie. Last Friday I broke the cookie in half to reveal my fate. “You are going to take a vacation.” That fortune really delved into the heart of what is in store for me. Has the creativeness been bled from the fortune-cookie writers association? Or, or are they on strike, too? Speaking of…I’m sick of the current lack of good TV. Reality TV does not even create the chimera of it being un-scripted, at least for me. I hope the next time you unfold a cookie, you find more than I did. However, beneath the pious remarks, the fortune was accurate. I’m going back to enjoying my vacation.

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My Middle Name: For Sale

By | Really? | 5 Comments

What is colored beige, weighs twenty-seven.three pounds and unofficially has to die? Stay tuned… Henry has digested: – two chlorine toilet tablets – a bottle of Nexium – thirty-five tube socks – numerous towels – four ounces of body lotion (he loves that stuff) – as of today, my ottoman And, this is just the list of things we know he has ingested. The crazy thing is that none of them have caused his death – until now. Is anyone interested in purchasing a purebred Puggle? He had a check-up slash grooming, yesterday, received a checkered bandanna and a “worm-free” certification. He is also completely healthy…with the exception of an under-bite, (you can tell if you look closely at the teeth marks in the ottoman) and he is afflicted with a severe case of doggy DS (Down Syndrome). My roommate was kind enough to share this with myself and select friends in the Chain1 this morning. He was also kind…

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Suburban Drivers

By | Items to Ponder, Really? | One Comment

Really?! Did you just cut me off in a maroon minivan? Sometimes while driving, I wish I had the power to sweep dumb drivers off the road. I know it sounds a little barbaric and without a visual, you may not be able to grasp what I’m talking about. Please refer to the technical sketch below for a visual. If this were possible, I would have used said power to slap-shoot the icecube that passed me on I-435 yesterday on my way to work. Seriously, if you can’t see out of five of six windows on your vehicle due to a layer of ice, you should probably refrain from swerving in and out the lanes. You should be especially careful if I ever develop the power to (see above) your car. I got cut off on my way to the red and white bullseye this morning to purchase a holiday giftcard for our janitor. I got cut off once in…

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Three Snoozes Late(r)

By | Peeks | No Comments

It wasn’t traffic, nor was it a power outage due to the ice, it wasn’t because I felt sick and it definitely was not because of the roads, which is too bad because that served as an excuse earlier this week. No, it was because I hit snooze three times, totaling an extended sleep time of about thirteen minutes and four seconds. Not very impressive when you consider that you have to divide that number into three to see the consecutive amount of sleep I gained each time I hit snooze (4.356 minutes), which isn’t much when you think about it – so I try not to. In retrospect, it was totally worth it because I was fifty-percent of a conversation – I played the part of the listener, a part I like to think I play well. Regardless of how well I played the part, the beeping clock, (not calling it a cuss word, just describing how said clock…

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Sweet Jeans

By | Neat-o | No Comments

What will this post be about? a.) a flock of kind people named Jean b.) cool-looking jeans c.) sugar-coated jeans d.) none of the above If you guessed “d” you’re correct. I very rarely make it home after a long day of work without dipping my forehead a little bit behind the wheel. (Probably because I work so f#cking hard.) It’s especially dangerous now that my days begin to darken at five, thanks to Benjamin Franklin’s dim idea. At least during the summertime I could roll down a window or two and get a breeze in to keep me from nodding off. I arrived home at half-past seven and hungry as hell, which is partly why I didn’t stop at the gym. I made my way into the kitchen and made breakfast for dinner and a side salad. After demolishing a plateful of good foods, I went to my room where I found more chores. Instead of clearing my bed…

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Bed Crumbs

By | Items to Ponder | No Comments

Snacking between the sheets is one of my favorite things to do. Eating in general is always favorable to me, but when I’m laying in bed, watching a movie, food just seems to taste better. Some snacks are just plain better than others – no matter where you choose to enjoy them. For instance, some snacks just end up making you hungrier. Eggos don’t usually do that, but tonight they did. I just downed a buttery and syrupy stack of three lightly-toasted Eggos and my stomach is still making a slow groan every couple of minutes. I’m usually a pretty liberal eater – I’ll always give in to my hunger. In fact, I have been known to eat upwards of three separate dinners. However, tonight I engaged in a discussion about snacks. (Yes, I have the most stimulating of conversations and you’re jealous.) Some well-known (Ross) snacks I can be found noshing on include: Cheese and crackers – a great…

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