Monthly Archives: January 2008

I Saw A Woman Doing It

By | Humor | One Comment

Notice that my title is lacking quotes, so this isn’t about the euphemism you may have immediately associated “doing it” with. I have the unfortunate predisposition of being somewhat mysophobic. Unlike a real phobia, I’m only slightly worried about germs – I don’t freak out if someone eats food that just fell on the floor, coughs in my direction or asks to use my ChapStick. I might suggest running the fallen food under water, make a remark about the person’s manners, or look for a visible cold sore before offering up my lip balm. These are minor germs that you come in contact with on a daily basis. Trying to avoid these would probably cause more harm than help, because your body needs to build it’s own antibodies to defend from the big, bad germs. Like bathroom germs. When it comes to these germs, I do have a problem. I don’t set my bare cheeks on someone else’s ass-print, turn…

Read More

Pinching Flies

By | Humor, Neat-o | One Comment

If I were Mr. Miyagi and I were reading this aloud, you might expect this to be about greasy pieces of potato, or my ability to catch flying insects with chopsticks. Either option not being the case, I’ll begin. I just realized how much I appreciate the invention of the button-up fly. As little as I actually use the mid-section’s trap door, button-up or otherwise, I would still like to extend a shake, (or two), of gratitude to the, I assume man, who created the button-up fly. And, speaking of extending things…when was the last time you actually used a zip-up fly as directed? Why would I, or any guy, try to feed the most sensitive portion of the male body through a tight opening lined with cold metal teeth? Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! I much prefer the “up-and-over” tilt. This is where you undo your belt, open your fly and only pull the front of your pants down, leaving…

Read More

Ten-Cent Rx

By | Humor, Peeks | 2 Comments

I hate to sound snotty, but for the last five weeks I have been pretty and congested. My doctor gave me amoxicillin, prednisone, Nasonex and some other decongestant drug that begins with “d” that I cannot remember the name of. I spent forty-seven bucks on all three and finished them off on New Year’s Eve. Through today, I still look like I’m pump-faking a yawn every one to two minutes trying to clear the pressure from behind my eardrums. My nose looks like the reindeer leader that went down in history, (like George Washington), my sense of hearing has taken a hit and my phone keeps dropping calls. After following the directions printed on each bottle, (which was difficult in itself), I was still unable to rid myself of the congestion and my signal was still fading. Symptoms: one Prescriptions: four Despite the score, the symptoms won. (This is where it starts to sound like a commercial.) When all the…

Read More

Rug Spray

By | Items to Ponder, Peeks | No Comments

Three-hundred plus sixty-five and call it another one you survived. Pat yourself on the back, it was a big one. What did you accomplish? You aged. There was a birthday somewhere in there and you became a year older than last time it happened. You learned. Probably a few life lessons, some tips, tricks and perhaps even something you’d rather not know. You hesitated. You waited too long to take advantage of something. Not necessarily something big, or even something you’ll remember, but nonetheless it happened. You said goodbye. The most common method is the wave. Maybe your’s took another form; a hug, a hand squeeze, a smile. Maybe it was a combination pizza all of the above. Maybe your goodbye had more toppings. You felt pain. Perhaps it was related to the goodbye, a sibling, a splinter, or a stubborn hangnail. You were missed. Maybe they missed you really badly. Maybe they barely missed you…like with a spitball, or…

Read More