Monthly Archives: March 2009

Keep Your [Mom’s] Mouth Shut

By | Humor | No Comments

My college … Courtesy of someecards.com … roommate would rebut your-mom jokes with, “my mom is in the hospital.” And, I’m cynical because I had fun watching the once self-aggrandized faces immediately hide the smile and inquire with a strong apology as to why his, (my roommate’s), mom, who moments earlier was, “so fat when she jumped up she got stuck,” is in the hospital. To which, he would reply, “because she works there.” Another good time to keep your mouth shut is while you’re brushing your teeth. I opened mine this morning to get the outside of my front row (and tongue) and got white speckles of toothpaste paint all over one of my favorite shirts (plus, the mirror, faucet and coutner). So, I now proclaim today as less-casual Wednesday, becuase I put the tie in my to-be-dry-cleaned pile, turned off the A/C and left for work. Sometimes you, (and your mom), just have to know when to keep…

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Driving With The Wheel And Petals

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I received a text message on Valentine’s Day as I was making my way to Houston for the weekend, and initially thought it was from a girl I went to high school with. I humored her and continued the conversation…turns out it wasn’t the Sarah/Kaitlin I knew. It was funny enough for me to save it, (and eventually share it), and I felt it appropriate to title this text message exchange by quoting Sarah. In the transcript below, please note the spelling and grammatical errors indicating that this girl had around a fourth-grade reading level. (No offense to the real Kaitlin, if she’s reading this.) I only point it out because those were the cues that started to indicate that I did not know who this was. (In a low, raspy voice) The following takes place between ten a.m. and eleven a.m. — (913) ###-#### (2/14): Hola this is SKITTLES:) (on kaitlins phone) Me (2/14): Skittles? (913) ###-#### (2/14): Sarah…

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Twelve Percent Per Page

By | Really? | No Comments

I sent four documents to the printer, which resides approximately sixty feet, (or 10.43 of me laying down), from my desk. Normally, I don’t stand up from my desk and race to the printer after confirming the count and page numbers, but it seems that I might have to start… Of the four documents I Ctrl+P’d, only one made it back to my desk. The print-happy culprit amongst my co-workers has yet to be identified, but I suspect they’re a ? and not a ?. Why? Because a man would allow the situation to continue… I returned to my desk and re-printed, only to walk back to the printer to find two of the three re-prints. (I’m twenty-three percent perturbed.) Whomever is stealing my prints is close to the printer, or has wings, has a complete disregard for my time*, doesn’t pay attention to what he is picking up and is afflicted with an unquenchable hunger for letter-sized copy paper….

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F New

By | Really? | No Comments

Beginning this post, I’m also updating my version of Windows. And, since I can’t do much else while this occurs, I decided to write. Daylight savings …Update 1 of 112…time officially began on Sunday at 2:00 a.m., taking an hour away from everyone that pays attention to that silly rule and reserving it only to give it back in November (I wish I lived in the opposite ends of the alphabet). I noticed the hour disappear because that was the hour in which: a) George Bush passed a bill to help the lower-middle class. b) The Hills got canceled. c) Al Davis applied and was accepted to guard the Holy Grail.* d) Bill Cowher shaved his moustache. e) Britney found a positive role model. F) Nothing. How amazing would those sixty minutes have been if a, b and e actually happened? (The rest were simply for the sake of humor.) So…instead of F) happening, Microsoft Windows XP Home Edition decided…

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Stiff Cotton

By | FYI | No Comments

And, that reminds me of another thing about my childhood…the stiff cots I used to be forced to lay on at [insert daycare name] at regular intervals throughout the day. Not only were the unassigned vinyl cots gross, but they had no support whatsoever. I weighed less than a fully-clothed Barbie™ but my ass could still feel the dusty, brown tiled floor below me that was covered with food crumbs and children’s tears. Oh, ya…my point. I put on my medium-starched shirt this morning; apparently “medium” indicates that you are a dead man and would like your shirt to resemble the stiffness caused by rigor mortis. I go outside…it’s cloudy, but not raining. Then, as I arrive at work, the rain begins to fall, softening my sharp, stiff starched shirt. It’s bright green.

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Seventeen Twitter Tweets

By | Peeks | No Comments

Originally, I had it titled “Twenty Twitter Tweets About Today,” but realized that “about” didn’t need to function as a segue between “Twitter” and “Today”. Then, as I approached nine, I realized how difficult it would be to hit my ambitious original goal of twenty, especially since I don’t want things like: “Where are my socks”, or “Now merging.” No, I figured it would be more entertaining for my readers, (and more fun for me to write), if I simply highlighted the pieces of my day that stood out. “Woke up twelve minutes before my alarm was supposed to do that for me – thank you Austin Waste Removal.” “Just made a half-dead lap around my apartment in search of the excuse for doing exactly that. Early birds don’t fly straight.” “Reached for a light switch that is normally to the left of my sink, and now resides twelve hours north in my old [old] apartment.” “Two towels to dry…

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