Monthly Archives: December 2010

The Morning After

By | Peeks | No Comments

Slowly, I rose to my feet and let the blood flow south to my Nikes before stretching, grabbing my maletas and exiting the plane. I followed the yellow line for transit passengers to a second security gate, which I could have easily passed through un-detected, except for the armed Argentinian ordering me to do things in Spanish, which from TSA muscle memory led me to believe I needed to remove my shoes, belt, glasses and jacket, and prepare to be touched in my bathing-suit area. Thankfully, EZE security is AOK with foregoing touching me down there. Time to find my next flight. The televisions displaying departures indicated gate B; however, every other gate on the same screen was a number. Confused, I am. Also, quite parched. In as few words as possible (i.e. only one), I asked for water from the nearby vendor. Drank the entire bottle at once and went on the hunt for gate B. I tried to…

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Christmas Day in AUS

By | Peeks | No Comments

Two-hours-twenty-one minutes until take-off. I ordered the tallest Miller Lite the airport bar was allowed to serve and took my seat among some interesting people. The mouth on the minor-league hockey player to my right is quite offensive. There is a divorcee who was a housewife for 20 years (now interested in pursuing a career in kinesiology) called me young and claims men can’t drive. I was flattered, then offended, so I returned fire. She laughed and we began a short-lived conversation…bad news for the older man to her right who seemed interested. Rhonda, the airport bartender, offered to share some homemade Chex Mix with me while I watched the Celtics play with Magic. I graciously accepted. Two hours and twelve minutes. The ex-housewife gave in to the circling vulture, (more like a balding eagle), and I started talking to a young man on his way back home to Tulsa. I scroll through recent texts and pick a few choice…

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Dead What Syndrome?

By | FYI | No Comments

Filed this under things I learned today. While neither are fun to have (from what I’ve read), the technical term for “dead butt syndrome” is not nearly as fun to say: gluteus medius tendinosis. See? Apparently, if you run without complementing your exercise with cross-training or weights, then you may be at risk of killing your butt. There are three main muscles that make up your rear. The inflammation of tendons within the gluteus medius, one of the three, can cause pain in the hips, which is a symptom of DBS. Do you have DBS? You’re not alone. In fact, it’s fairly common among all types of runners… “Whether they’re recreational weekend runners up to the elite marathoners, the majority of runners I see have weak gluteus medius and gluteus maximus muscles,” said Dr. David Webner, a sports medicine doctor at Crozer-Keystone Health System in Springfield, PA. Keep your butt alive – exercise! Interested in learning more? Read on… Thank…

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Like Me

By | FYI | No Comments

If you’re anything like me, you missed last night’s lunar eclipse. Not because you gave up and went to bed early, or because you forgot. But, because last night you were playing ping pong in a friend’s garage, drinking tallboys, awaiting a once-in-a-lifetime event…then, cue cloud-cover and you get a backlit stratus eclipse. Weak. Austin, TX: home to beautiful 65° mid-December days, and a thick blanket of clouds on the one night you hope for a clear sky. So, if you’re like me and missed last night’s lunar eclipse, (which won’t happen agin until 2092), here are some cloud-free photos.

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Keep Your Pants On

By | Really? | No Comments

Welp, I have found the perfect Christmas gift for all my friends, (probably only one), who are fond of sharing their undies with the world around them, lookin’ like a fool with their pants on the ground: Subs™ What are Subs™? In high school, they were the magnetic beat-beasts, boxed in your trunk and responsible for the early onset of hearing loss. Now, they are mini suspenders used to keep your pants off the ground, (safely in the “sag zone”), and likely to appeal to the same hard-of-hearing generation. The sag zone is the region between the elastic band and upper thigh, (indicated above), which overlaps the northern portion of the bathing suit area. Run and tell that.

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Oil Change: $300

By | Really? | No Comments

No, this is not a MasterCard advertisement. This is a true story about my morning. Using my Honda Accord as an example, I’m going to explain how to get your very own $300 oil change. In order to understand some of the calculation steps, I will first need to explain how to interpret tire size. As an example, my car’s recommended tire size is: P205/65R16. The first letter (P) indicates the type of vehicle the tires are designed for. Typically, the P stands for “P-metric,” meaning the tire is intended for use on a passenger vehicle. In the case of my car, the P stands for “Probably-going-to-drive-this-until-it-dies.” Following that letter is a number, such as 205. This number is the section width of the tire, (in millimeters). The next number, 65, is the tire’s width-to-height ratio, representing the distance from rim to tread. My car’s aspect ratio is 65, so the height of the sidewall is 65% of the section…

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Voicemail – SMS for Seniors

By | Humor, Really? | No Comments

I will admit voicemail does have certain practical uses in any day-to-day business operation, when answering the phone isn’t an option… I’m out of the office. I’m on the other line. I’m extremely busy. I have caller ID. All reasons why I have voicemail at work and use it, (because, if you don’t use it, you lose it). Seriously, our system will erase messages after two weeks of inactivity. There are some people who still haven’t figured out how to make a greeting. Name, company (maybe) and one instruction: leave a message. Especially if there is a system-standard greeting automatically appended to the end. Perhaps it is a deterrent to keep callers from leaving a message, because I rarely sit through a greeting longer than 3.4 seconds just to leave a message the recipient will likely delete before my “bye”. If you’re going to leave a message, make sure you know how to end the call. Watched someone try to…

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Are You From Tennessee?

By | Neat-o | One Comment

Pick-up lines are just awful. Anytime I’ve used one, my clear intent was to not be taken seriously. However, when used facetiously, the outcome can be a pleasant conversation, rewarded with a phone number and even a first date. For anyone uncomfortable with making an impromptu introduction, here’s some good news: now your coaster can cast and tug for you. Using a translucent bar surface, a camera, a projector and an infrared light source, circular coasters are identified as they are placed atop the bar and assigned an random gender, sexual preference and interest level. The projector highlights your coaster text messages begin circling it. Then, your coaster tries to “hit on” other coasters within a 60-centimeter radius by sending random pick-up lines to them. If the attraction is high (based on interest level) and the pick-up lines are interpreted favorably, the two coasters will continue communication. The idea is that the owners of the beverages resting on top will…

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