Category Archives: Humor

My First Movember

By | Humor, Items to Ponder | No Comments

The “Birds-and-Bees” discussion with my dad didn’t prepare me for the changes I’ve seen over the past eleven days. FYI: I’m currently listening to the ‘Top Gun’ soundtrack.1 November, or “Movember,” is dedicated to increasing the awareness of men’s health risks, specifically prostate cancer and other cancers that affect men, by encouraging men everywhere to sport their ‘stache. In addition to the rise in Woolly Willy-esque beards, I’ve noticed several other changes in my daily activities and life in general. See the chart (below) for reference. As you’ll note, my testosterone has steadily increased, while failing (e.g. papercuts, spelling errors, tripping, etc.) is on the decline. In addition, I’ve experienced an average of a 30% boost in all of my man-skills, like bear hunting (without the use of forged weaponry), arm-wrestling, wood-chopping, cage-fighting and putting out fires. My awesomeness has grown significantly, spiking sharply on November 7, when I remembered to call my sister on her birthday, and the time…

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Mix-spelled Emotions

By | Humor, Peeks | No Comments

Not sure who implanted this idea, or why they still believe it, but 50% of my parents think “LOL” is an acronym for “Lots of Love.” If you’re also under the same spell, let me un-spell-it-out for you: LOL = Laugh Out Loud. It’s not a big deal to me; actually, it’s kind of entertaining. Sometimes I would go so far as to say, inspiring. For instance, let’s say they email me with some bad news. I’m sure we can all relate to losing a pet… We had to put Fluffy to sleep this morning. She was getting too old to move around and it’s been very hard for your father to deal with cleaning up all of her messes from not making it to the litter box on time. I know he would really like to hear from you. Stay in touch. LOL, [signature] And then, the sun comes out from behind the clouds. I don’t like being the bearer…

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New Weight-Loss Patch?!

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On my way back from Houston, I saw a media placement for a new[!] weight-loss patch. Please keep in mind, when I say media placement, I’m referring to a re-purposed garage sale sign on an offramp near a truckstop. Just a phone number and the implied promise of losing weight courtesy of a “new” patch. Sorry, but bold, red letters on a tattered sign combined with said sign’s location, led me to believe this “patch” may not be backed by the FDA. So, the sarcastic cynic in me developed a new, new weight-loss patch… See above.

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Eye Sweat

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A lot. So, at the gym this evening, I saw one of the most disgusted looks on a female senior citizen’s faces I’ve seen since ‘Nam…and it was because of me. Let me paint a picture for you… I’m upstairs, on the mats, stretching my tush muscles and I momentarily move two feet away to stretch the hammys under my moon and she approaches the mat, specifically where I just moved from. Keep in mind, it was nearing a triple-digit temperature outside and I had just finished a 30-minute run. I was soaking and the mat showed it. She looked down at lake Rosstin and a look of sheer repulsion came over her face, she then looked at me like I stole her grandson’s ice cream cone. I simply looked back and shrugged, told her I was still stretching and would clean it up later. The mat seriously looked like a slip ‘n slide an when I re-mounted it, it…

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Hot Garbage And Other Simple Things

By | Humor, Peeks | One Comment

June 5 – I woke up Wednesday morning and while waiting on my ride I got some chores taken care of, listed below in order of least favorite to less-least favorite: – Scooped the cat poop – Bagged the cat poop – Threw the cat poop in the trash – Cleaned the toilet – Made my bed – Ate a banana Let’s face it. Eating healthy is sometimes a chore. Regardless, go time was rapidly approaching and my ride’s phone was off. Initial thoughts included a barrage of four-letter words. Not wanting to miss my flight, I waited thirty more seconds and: – Took the trash out Then, headed downstairs to my car, put the trash bag in the back seat, returned upstairs to grab my luggage and lock up, and finally went back down to my car to leave for the airport. I arrived at the extended-stay parking lot with the same white, cat-poop-filled trash bag in my back…

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Workaholic

By | FYI, Humor | One Comment

Most of my time spent between the hours I’m horizontally hibernating approximately three feet from the floor, I’m working. I love 88% of my job. The other 12% of the time, things irk me. Thinks like misspelled words: “ThNks” (just got that in an email), “publically” (in a a press release I proofed – submitted by a woman with a degree in publical relations), and “attendince” (seriously?). Spelling errors are closely followed by excessive use of the reply-all option, poor grammar, and people who insist on putting paper in the trashcan directly beside the recycling bin. One would think the sign I made and taped above it would deter this behavior, but no. Another thing I am less upset about, but just don’t understand, is lack of attention to detail. Take pride in what you do. If I put my name on something, I want it to be creative, accurate and effective. Don’t cut corners and don’t do a half-ass…

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Voicemail – SMS for Seniors

By | Humor, Really? | No Comments

I will admit voicemail does have certain practical uses in any day-to-day business operation, when answering the phone isn’t an option… I’m out of the office. I’m on the other line. I’m extremely busy. I have caller ID. All reasons why I have voicemail at work and use it, (because, if you don’t use it, you lose it). Seriously, our system will erase messages after two weeks of inactivity. There are some people who still haven’t figured out how to make a greeting. Name, company (maybe) and one instruction: leave a message. Especially if there is a system-standard greeting automatically appended to the end. Perhaps it is a deterrent to keep callers from leaving a message, because I rarely sit through a greeting longer than 3.4 seconds just to leave a message the recipient will likely delete before my “bye”. If you’re going to leave a message, make sure you know how to end the call. Watched someone try to…

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Sneezing Command

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The tone of your voice usually dictates your attitude; however, it can be the result of something else. Cold water, a pinch/poke/punch, sudden loss of air to the lungs, these are all things capable of adjusting your speech. This morning, I accidentally combined a sneeze with a request, thus turning a kind gesture into a yelled command. Shortly after, laughter ensued. A coworker and I were gathering samples from one of our conference rooms. I felt a sneeze coming on and tried to warn her to keep her distance, (so I didn’t shower her with sneezy particles). The sneeze hit early and I yelled/sneezed, “Stay back!” I made an un-PC comment about having Tourette’s syndrome and we continued working. A few minutes later, she stopped laughing at me. Welcome to a day at my office.

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Mr. Sandman Is A Tricky Bastard

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I know you’re not supposed to remember your dreams, but this one has been on my brain for a few hours and I can’t seem to forget it. The short story, or I guess I should say, the part I remember goes like this: I was reading through a magazine about maintaining a healthy lifestyle and came across a month-long calendar to help readers do just that. During the week, the calendar suggested various types of exercise and meal options. For instance (keep in mind, this is a dream): Monday – Thursday: Have four moderate meals throughout the day at three hour intervals, starting with breakfast. Your last meal should consist of something that will replenish the calories burned during your evening exercise. Practice some new yoga before bed and make sure to stay well hydrated (water is the best option) throughout the day. Look for organics when available and avoid processed foods and caffeine if possible. On the weekend,…

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How-To: Line Dance

By | Humor, Items to Ponder | No Comments

People always talk about a line we’re not supposed to cross, (but many of us want to). Albert Einstein said, “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” I try to make a mistake on a daily basis, but I never regret anything. If you learn from your mistakes, then you can surely avoid those situations pegged “regrettable” in the future. To that end, I sometimes cross the invisible line. Feel like you’re ready to do the same? I will use a recent story from my life to create an anecdote out of the steps one needs to take when effectively crossing the line. Situation with line arises. My brother and his wife just had a baby girl. The proud father takes a picture of baby girl and sends to family members who have yet to meet her – namely me. Say/do exactly what you feel like saying/doing. This is usually the first thought you have….

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