Category Archives: Really?

Regarding Dave Chappelle’s Composure

By | FYI, Really? | No Comments

I complain when something is wrong. This is the first time I have felt it necessary to write a letter to the editor of several local papers regarding something I found “wrong” – us. Last night, I attended Dave Chappelle’s surprise performance and could not believe what I unknowingly became a part of. Here’s what I wrote, verbatim. I drove home from The Paramount Theatre on Tuesday night in silence, feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and quite pissed off. The vague questions and severely outdated movie quotes were almost as disrespectful (and annoying) as the shouts comprised of unambiguous words like the current year, a city, his name, and the college you clearly didn’t learn any manners at while attending. As an audience member, I would like to formally apologize to Mr. Chappelle. Sorry we wasted your time. Sorry we claim to love you, but have not figured out what that means. Sorry we transformed the area beyond the stage into a…

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Cats > Careers

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(Yes, my cat is a loyal subscriber.) One of the best parts about my job is the variance between yesterdays and todays. For instance, yesterday1 I prepared a package to send to a prospective client. Today1, I brainstormed an idea for an ad we’re placing in an upcoming event program. Now, to validate the claim my title suggests… On Monday, I emailed our business development team requesting a bio and headshot from each of them for our new website. As of this afternoon, I had received one response from the seventeen individual requests sent. 1/17 = 5.8% (after four days) This afternoon, I sent an email to a few of the same individuals, requesting a picture and brief narrative about their adopted feline friend(s). Within twenty-six minutes, I had three stories, fourteen cat-pics and something to blog about. 3/4 = 75% (within thirty minutes) [1] Among many, many other things.

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Tweater Right

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No, “Tweater Right” is not a play on words. It’s an intentional misspelling. One which will soon make sense. I’m getting a little annoyed with some of the Twitter shenanigans and some people need a brief lesson in Twitter etiquette. The immediate un-follow. About three to five times a week, I receive a follow request. Half of the time, it’s some dick who only follows me to turn around and un-follow me later in the day. He or she, or it, is only trying to boost the friend-to-follow ratio. If you’re one of these people, shame on you. P.S. I use friendorfollow regularly and will return the favor. The entrepreneurs. Everyone is a web consultant, social media expert, aspiring writer, or musician; but, not everyone knows how to design their background, send a message, write, or spell. (Replace the “or” with “and” when referring to musicians.) Don’t automatically DM me a “thank you” (re: the follow). It’s in-genuine and lame….

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Sexy Tears

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The first thing I did this morning, after getting out of bed, was turn off the radio. It was almost exactly like any other morning…almost. Instead of ignoring them, I actually processed what the three radio DJs, (my least favorite people on Earth), were talking about and became somewhat annoyed. I’d even go as far as to say I was pissed, and I’m not a violent Persian. They were debating whether they (and their listeners) found a man who cries, sexy. Time out. Regardless of gender, who has ever seen tears and thought, “oh my, that is sexy!”? Maybe a rapist…that’s about it. A crying baby is expected. If you’re a child, it’s excusable. Teens and up, either your parents lacked discipline, you’re falling in/out of love, experiencing a strong emotion, broke a bone, or someone/thing died. There is nothing “sexy” about any of those situations. That is all.

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Too Loud for a Tuesday

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According to a study performed by researchers at Ben-Gurion University of the Negev… Sustained exposure to loud workplace noise may affect quality of sleep in workers with occupational-related hearing loss. The wait-staff at Güero’s Taco Bar here in Austin should, um, listen up. I had dinner last week with some friends and couldn’t hear myself chew over the extremely loud table of women behind us. “Of women” may seem like an unimportant detail, but they took a jab at men (and dogs), so I felt obligated. What was worth an amplified conversation? Show tunes, hot guys in cellphone pics, the best scenes from Dirty Dancing, upcoming movies, and how to treat men and dogs. According to the Güero’s girls social club, (not their official name), you have to let them, (men and dogs), think they are in control, but keep them on a short leash. If their absurd conversations weren’t so entertaining, we would have moved tables before dinner was…

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This Changes Nothing, Unless…

By | Really? | No Comments

…the tramp-stamp tattoo above your rear is now inaccurate. Everyone else, stop whining. If you preface your day/month/year/life (+ ‘s) forecast on an ambiguous horoscope, which differs based on the source, then you may as well flip a coin to determine if you’re going to have a good day, fall in love, change jobs, or engage in a steamy hook-up. The updated, (not to mention, accurate), list of Zodiac signs effectively changes nothing. I went from a Cancer to a Gemini, but I’m still me. I’m still the same Ross Clurman. I still don’t make my bed in the morning, I still take two creams and a raw sugar, I still recycle and I still have a calendar in my office that reads June 17, 2010, because I [still] don’t like routines – they bore me. Think of it this way…no one before or after this moment will ever be able to do what we just did: change their Zodiac…

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Keep Your Pants On

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Welp, I have found the perfect Christmas gift for all my friends, (probably only one), who are fond of sharing their undies with the world around them, lookin’ like a fool with their pants on the ground: Subs™ What are Subs™? In high school, they were the magnetic beat-beasts, boxed in your trunk and responsible for the early onset of hearing loss. Now, they are mini suspenders used to keep your pants off the ground, (safely in the “sag zone”), and likely to appeal to the same hard-of-hearing generation. The sag zone is the region between the elastic band and upper thigh, (indicated above), which overlaps the northern portion of the bathing suit area. Run and tell that.

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Oil Change: $300

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No, this is not a MasterCard advertisement. This is a true story about my morning. Using my Honda Accord as an example, I’m going to explain how to get your very own $300 oil change. In order to understand some of the calculation steps, I will first need to explain how to interpret tire size. As an example, my car’s recommended tire size is: P205/65R16. The first letter (P) indicates the type of vehicle the tires are designed for. Typically, the P stands for “P-metric,” meaning the tire is intended for use on a passenger vehicle. In the case of my car, the P stands for “Probably-going-to-drive-this-until-it-dies.” Following that letter is a number, such as 205. This number is the section width of the tire, (in millimeters). The next number, 65, is the tire’s width-to-height ratio, representing the distance from rim to tread. My car’s aspect ratio is 65, so the height of the sidewall is 65% of the section…

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Voicemail – SMS for Seniors

By | Humor, Really? | No Comments

I will admit voicemail does have certain practical uses in any day-to-day business operation, when answering the phone isn’t an option… I’m out of the office. I’m on the other line. I’m extremely busy. I have caller ID. All reasons why I have voicemail at work and use it, (because, if you don’t use it, you lose it). Seriously, our system will erase messages after two weeks of inactivity. There are some people who still haven’t figured out how to make a greeting. Name, company (maybe) and one instruction: leave a message. Especially if there is a system-standard greeting automatically appended to the end. Perhaps it is a deterrent to keep callers from leaving a message, because I rarely sit through a greeting longer than 3.4 seconds just to leave a message the recipient will likely delete before my “bye”. If you’re going to leave a message, make sure you know how to end the call. Watched someone try to…

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Exercising Etiquette

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I don’t go to the gym to babysit. I don’t even go to the gym to talk. I go to exercise. So, while I’m getting my swell on (I’m not swollen), it really irks me to have it ruined by a general lack of common sense, poor personal hygiene, or absent-minded manners. I understand the gym is a public place and not everyone is as considerate as I am, but seriously…take notes. Potpourri is not deodorant, nor is it cologne. Cologne is not deodorant, nor is it body wash. The numbers on the dumbbell rack correspond to weight. Put them back where you got them. Bad form due to excessive weight is just bad form. Chill out bro-tien. Clean your hair gel/grease/dander off of the equipment after you use it. Gross. Don’t fart in close proximity to others. In fact, just don’t fart in the gym. Hey, creeeper, see the girl using the adductor machine? Yeah, she sees you too….

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